Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
