im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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