This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I need to sanitize my soul.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
