i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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