if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
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Do I have a choice?
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
