I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
