cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
