I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
