If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
where are you?
Hypothermia
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
