I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Drake has all the answers
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
