It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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