someone owes me an orgasm
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
