I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
