my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
