I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
