Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i out mim tonsoeep
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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