my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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