Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
