remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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