I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
