It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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