we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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