Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Everyone says I win the strip club
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
