I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
