i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize