just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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