dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
