My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
