you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
