he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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