I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
