she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
