if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
