dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
