I cockslap morals
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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