dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
