Already got asked if we're dating
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
