Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
