Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
