JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just cropdusted the office
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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