Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
