Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
