either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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