I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
