so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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