and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
