You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize