In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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