Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize