I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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