You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
