i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
