You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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