Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
