if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
