Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
