wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize