so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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