I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Even my vagina gasped.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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